Who am I?
Mother, daughter, sister. best friend, girlfriend. But who am I really? To this day I still do not truly know, I love being a mother and I love my family, but it seems as through over the last few years that I have lost who I am. Could this be due to my PMDD, depression and anxiety?
My mental health definitely has a role to play in this, but to what extent? The consistent concern that the real me has gone, has been eating away at me day by day. Maybe that was just one version of who I am or who I was, maybe becoming a mother is just a new version, almost like a new chapter I guess. Perhaps I just need to accept who I am now and live more ‘in the moment’, rather than trying to find someone that has been lost due to new chapters in my life.
Does motherhood change who you are? To an extent, yes I believe so. Has motherhood changed who I am? Honestly, I cannot answer that. Why? I ask myself that question a lot, since my son was born in August 2016. It could be because of the dense fog that always seems to be clouding my mind, or it could simply be because I am still finding my feet as a mother. Yes I have have 2 babies now, you would think that I would be an expert at this mum thing by now, but in reality, most days I’m still winging it, hoping that I am doing it right.
To some the maternal bond and instinct is strong and being a mum comes easily to them, almost like second nature. On the surface I may look like a mum who has her shit together, but dig a little deeper and you will see a mum who is stressed to her limits. The last two years have been a struggle, with so many ups and downs, taking one step forwards and three back, like a merry go round that just will not stop. I guess this comes with the territory of having two babies under two! I just need to pause and take stock of my life.
I’m like a whirlwind laying down a sea of destruction, I need to reevaluate my life, reassess who I am in order to regain some control of my mind, thoughts and emotional state. But my PMDD prevents me from doing this a lot of the time, I find myself unable to think of anything but my darling babies, I love the bones of them but holy sit are they stressful a lot of the time! Still developing my coping skills and I guess some days are going to be rocks and others diamonds.
I try to think about what my nan would say to me, were she still with us. I’m pretty sure she would say ‘well, live one day at a time for now and one day everything will all fall into place’. Ahh wise words and some that I need to live by for now. Just get through the teething, the weaning and the whinging phases and really enjoy the good days!