Why my relationship fizzled post baby

    So having a baby changes your life in so many ways, and your relationship with your other half does not escape these changes, from sleepless nights, lack of date nights and a small person who always seems to be between you both, it is easy to see how maintaining a good relationship often gets put on the back burners.

    Not much changed between Nick and I after our son was born, we still had time for us as a couple, I think the only thing that changed drastically was our date nights, they became less going out for a nice meal and a drink and became more stay at home, cook a meal and binge watch some Netflix!

    However, once our baby girl arrived 10 months after her brother, our relationship took a nose dive.

    We now had two babies under two, so we were busy 24/7 (there really wasn’t enough hours in the day). I’m a full time mummy and Nick is a chef working 12+ hours shifts and often didn’t get home until well after 11pm. It was so hard to find time to be a couple, and due to the stresses and anxieties we started to fray around the edges.

    For the first four months our baby girl would not sleep anywhere except in our bed, which meant we had a newborn between us every night waking up for a feed every two hours – no cuddles for us grown ups!

    With Nick working 12 hour shifts 5 days a week and most weekends, we never really got a chance to give the kids to the grandparents for a weekend so that we could go out. We were drifting apart and were both shattered, so even on Nicks days off we really did not feel like doing anything, except chilling with the kids – if you can even call it chilling with a 1 year old who doesn’t sit still and a baby girl who is so snugly she refuses to be put down!

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    It got to the point where we were arguing about everything, ignoring each other, not getting enough sleep, and got to a point where we were both prepared to go our separate ways if things didn’t change. I am pretty sure that due to the stress, anxiety and my PMDD (pre menstrual dysphoric disorder) that on a few occasions I have locked Nick out of the house for a couple of hours and have even thrown a bag of his stuff out after him and told him not to come back (that’s my polite way of putting it).

    Things really needed to change so we both sat down and got to the bottom of why we were constantly at each others throats all of time.

    Lack of sleep and lack of time together were the biggest issues. Luckily enough we were in a position where Nick could reduce his hours at work temporarily so that he could help me out at bedtime and do half of the night feeds so that I could get more sleep as I was doing all of the night feeds and hadn’t had more than 3 hours sleep a night for the last four months. We also agreed that we should do more together whether that be as a family or just the two of us. So we started going out more with the kids to parks and soft play, and even manged to get some time for us!

    Sleep deprivation affects a person in so many ways and really puts a massive strain on the whole family, mine had gotten so bad that I was experiencing insomnia, where i felt tired but could not get to sleep and ended up spending almost an entire month awake. We were also both so run down our immune systems had taken a beating and seemed as through we both had a cough or a cold for weeks and weeks. As soon as we stared getting more sleep our moods improved and we had more energy for the babies! It is so important that couples talk about what is going on between them and their new family, Nick and I could have walked away from each other if we hadn’t sat our arses down and openly talked through what was pissing us both off all of the time. I am so glad that we managed to get things sorted and function as a family again, it could have been such a different story if we hadn’t done this.

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    Nick has now gone back to full time hours, and Ophelia is now sleeping through most nights, so we are still getting enough sleep. We are much happier, less stressed and are enjoying being a family, and even have some time to be a couple again!

    Letters to my Daughter
    3 Little Buttons

    20 Responses

    1. Many mother’s will be able to relate to this #readysetlink @_karendennis

    2. Berni says:

      I was so glad to read that you and Nick fought for your relationship and made it through. Sometimes life is tough on our relationships its about recognising that they’re worth saving and then doing something about it. #DreamTeam

      • admin says:

        Thank you for reading, I think it really was just lack of sleep causing all the issues, sleep deprivation really does affect us more than we realise! x

    3. Kirsty says:

      I can’t tell you how many times we have argued about who had the least sleep! Not having sleep is a killer #readysetlink

      • admin says:

        Oh god I could not tell you how many time we did either! Thankfully most nights now our babies are sleeping through! Good sleep really does make all the difference! I’m hoping that once our third baby arrives in October that we will be better prepared for the sleepless nights and know how to get through on very little sleep x

    4. It’s so easy to lose each other at the bottom of a pile of other commitments once you have a family isn’t it. I’m so pleased that you were able to work through it together and I think you’re so right. Communication is so important. Thank you for linking up with us for #DreamTeam x

      • admin says:

        Thank you for reading and thank you for your lovely comment, I will be sure to link up next week too thank you x

    5. I can relate to this, being a mother is bloody hard work and can take its toll X #readysetlink

    6. Heather Keet says:

      I’m so glad you were able to openly talk to one another and work on a solution! Marriage is such hard work and with such young children I can only imagine how little time you have together to bond. #DreamTeam

      • admin says:

        Thank you for reading, and I am sure as our kids get older that we will have more time for each other again x

    7. Mummyiysok says:

      Same happened here. Having a baby takes up so much of your time. The lack of sleep is the worst – it’s definately contributed to my pnd. A good nights sleep is so important. #readysetlink

      • admin says:

        Thank you for reading, lack of sleep really affects my mood, one night is ok but if sleepless nights go on for weeks my fuse just gets shorter and shorter, I think with any mental health illness, sleep plays a big role.

    8. Lu says:

      Thank you for your honesty in this – those first few months are so difficult, and it really is the time to pull together as a couple, even though your circumstances seem to be pushing you apart. I’m so glad that you guys managed to find a solution and that’s a credit to your hard work and honesty. #blogcrush

      • admin says:

        Thank you for reading it was a tough journey for the both of us and I’m hoping my honesty in this post will help other couples see that you can pull through, Nick and I are closer than ever now, which 4 months ago would have seemed impossible xx

    9. Heather Keet says:

      I’m dropping back in with #BlogCrush

    10. Fi Anderson says:

      This has got to be an occurance in every parents relationship when the kids are so little and dependant on us. Glad to see things worked out as they grew. We have a toddler in our bed most nights so I can definitely relate! #blogcrush

      • admin says:

        Thank you for reading! Everything is much better now, and both of our babies are sleeping in their own cots… until number three arrives but I am hoping we will be more prepared this time!

    11. What a great post, and one that could have easily told a different story. I am kvelling for you all! Stay happy, and healthy! <3 M'wah! #blogcrush xo

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